10 Signs That You’re A Novel Writer

1. Your writing day begins by doing something other than writing.

You know how it goes.  You’re geared up to write.  You’ve got the time – no work, family or friends to get in your way.  Just you and your computer.  Problem is that computers aren’t produced simply for struggling writers to produce their masterpieces with.  They have other uses.  For example they make excellent replacements for packs of cards and their processing power makes them ideal for mine detection simulators.  Lets not even get started on the internet.

2. Your definition of research is flexible

Alright, lets start on the internet.  Unless you’re a genius chances are that you’re going to have to do some sort of research for your novel.  And let’s be honest, as resources go the internet is a pretty good one.  Want to know who the twelth president of the United States is?  The internet can help you.  A quick google search and we discover that the answer is ‘Sylvestor Stallone’ (source: Wikipedia).  And it doesn’t stop there.  If it’s a fact about a thing then chances are you can find it on the internet.  Unfortunately, finding facts about things can be addictive.  You’ll start researching your 17th century period novel and end up charting the career history of every cast member of the Breakfast club.  Tip: If your research leads you to Facebook or Twitter you’ve gone too far.

3. You read books and think that you could have done better

This is almost a given if you’ve read a Dan Brown novel.  It’d be unlikely you couldn’t.

4. You own an extensive collection of books about writing books

Like the internet, this can be an addictive timewaster.  If you’re not careful you can end up spending all the time you should be spending writing reading about how you should be spending all your time writing.  Luckily I’ve read pretty much every book on writing ever written so, for the purposes of everyone getting on with their writing, here are the most important bits of advice:  Write.  Write what you know.  If you don’t know, find out, then write what you know.

5. You take a notepad with you

You’ve probably gotten this piece of advice from all those books you’ve been reading about writing.  One thing to remember though – it can be quite difficult to write on the bus.  Also, remember and bring a pen.  And if you’re going to record snippets of people’s conversations it’s impolite to ask them to repeat if you didn’t hear them.

6. You start a blog

You start a blog with the idea that by posting regularly you’ll be writing regularly too.  It doesn’t always work out.

7. You consider joining a writing group

Meeting other people and getting feedback is a pretty good idea.  Unless, like me, you hate other people in which case it’s probably more trouble than it’s worth.

8. You’re addicted to the Word Count facility in Word (or Word Processor of choice)

When I’m writing, literally not a second goes by without me checking the word count.  I don’t always even bother finishing the word I’m writing before I’ve counted it.  Writing a novel is a long process and so I need to know exactly how far along I am at any given moment.  On those days where you’re actually productive, it’s great to know that you’ve written loads and loads of words.  On those other days, which I like to call The Majority, it can be quite disheartening to realise that you’ve only written fifty words in three hours.  And then theres those even worse days where you actually lose words and then have to buy a new computer the next day because you’ve set fire to your old one.

9. You regularly abandon projects

It’s the same old pattern.  You have the idea to end all ideas.  “THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD!”, you triumphantly shout out to no one.  Under normal circumstances the usage of All-Caps would irk you but not on this occasion, because this is going to be AWESOME!!!  So you dive into the project.  It becomes your passion, nay, you’re obsession.  Until reality creeps in, you realise someone else has already had that idea and done it much better, or it just wasn’t that good to begin with.  And even if it was a good idea, you’ve got no time right now.  You’ll do it later.  Then you fire up minesweeper and never go back to it.  Never mind, the next idea will be even better.

10.

About bloody time I posted an update

Back from Ireland and back to work this week.  I can’t believe how much I realised I needed a holiday.  It was great to spend nearly whole days just reading.  I read Risk: The Science and Politics of Fear by Dan Gardner and The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon.  Both really great books.  The first is a really interesting look at why people are so perceptible to being scared and it’s quite sobering when you read about it.  One of the things that really stuck with me was the fact that if an act of terrorism on the scale of 11/9 (reclaim the date format) took place every month for a year in America, an American is still more likely to be killed in a car crash than by a terrorist.  The second book is just a really well crafted and funny story.  I’m about to start now on The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood.  I also got to see my nephew for the first time.  He didn’t speak to me though which I hope is just indicative of him being three weeks old and not that he doesn’t like me.  But you can never be sure with babies can you?

As for my own writing, it’s no further forward.  I do have a clear idea now of the ending which is good because I need something to work towards.  I also have a few more ideas about the story so it’s at least coming along in my head.  Obviously, that’s of little use if it’s not down on paper but that’s a broken record at this point.  I also have to start thinking about writing my speech for my wedding (101 days) so that will be interesting.  Luckily I have a decent idea what I’m going to say but I will need to get it down as I want it to be great.  Good is not acceptable.  Unless I’m rushed for time in which case it is.

139 Days

Only 139 days until I get married.  We were at the hotel this week sorting out the bits and bobs – menu, timing etc.  We’re quite well organised I think, we only really have the priest to meet up with.  Though admittedly that is quite a big one.  As an atheist, the pressure is on me not to say something I shouldn’t, like perhaps suggesting that the sheer logistics behind the creation of an ark big enough to contain two of every animal in the world, not to mention the acquisition of two of every animal in the world, would make it an impossible endeavour for one man to undertake.  I should stay away from this line of conversation.  Though obviously, it would be quite funny.

Went to see Valkyrie and Seven Pounds.  Valkyrie I liked, though it wasn’t brilliant and Tom Cruise as a Nazi talking in an American accent just didn’t work for me.  I can’t think of a film where Cruise ever does an accent.  He must be quite bad at them.  Seven Pounds was a bit rubbish.  It’s hard to talk about it without giving the entire thing away, but realistically you ought to be able to figure it out within the first two minutes.

Finally finished the chapter I’ve been on for what seems like months now (because it probably is).  Granted it was a long chapter, possibly the longest in the book, but it shouldn’t have taken this long.  I’m reasonaly happy with it though.  I think it’s a lot better than the first draft, mainly because it’s written from the viewpoint of another character.  This approach so far seems to be working with the novel.  It’s much easier to flesh out the central character when seen through the eyes of the people she’s affecting.  There are still a few chapters where I’m not quite certain how they will work yet and I also go back and forward on how many other characters viewpoints I can get away with telling the story from but overall things seem to be coming together.  Though slowly, obviously.

Things I’ve seen and things I’m reading

Well, back to work this week.  It’s not so bad.  I actually really like my job.  A career as a writer is probably the only thing I would give it up for.  That and a King of The World.

Went to see Role Models yesterday at the cinema.  It’s got Paul Rudd and Stifler from American Pie in it.  It was quite good.  I like Paul Rudd, he’s been in a lot of really funny stuff over the last few years.

Got back into the writing this week.  Broke through a part I had been writing for a while but I think I’m happy with it.  I could be writing more, of course, but I’m relatively satisfied with the work I’ve done this week.

Also started reading Watchmen.  I was never a comic book nerd as a kid but I liked reading the odd graphic novel or two that I would loan from the library.  Usually Batman.  But everyone says that Watchmen is the best there is so I decided to give it a bash.  It’s pretty damn good so far.  I’m about half way through but I’m really enjoying it.  I also ordred Frank Miller’s Batman: The Dark Knight Returns because that’s meant to be good too and I don’t think i ever read it, though I did read Batman: Year One also by Miller and I always remember that as my favourite one.  And just to complete the whole getting in touch with my inner child, I bought the latest Adrian Mole book.  I’m taking recommendations for what I read after that so let me know what you’re reading.

Who put that wall there?

I pimped Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe last week, and for good reason because it’s brilliant.  This week’s show was a complete departure from the normal format of dissecting (read: taking the piss out of) television shows.  This week, Brooker interviewed a number of successful television writers, discussing a range of topics related to the writing of television shows.  As you can imagine, the appeal of this week’s show was limited to those interested in such things.  Luckily I am, so I enjoyed it.  And if you are, take a look on iplayer.

One of the interesting things discussed that seemed to be common for a number of writers was the feeling that, despite their successes, they always felt like at any moment they would be found out for not being that good at all.  This is something that I’m always feeling, be it working in IT or writing.  That sooner of later I’m going to be rumbled and politely asked to stop, for the good of everyone.  It’s reassuring to know that even established writers feel that way.  Although of course, just because they feel that way too, doesn’t mean it’s not actually going to happen to me…

Still pushing on with the writing, though I hit a pretty massive block last night.  I realised a pretty important part of the plot doesn’t actually make sense when you think about it.  It’s such a big logic hole that I don’t know how I managed to miss it.  So now I have to rethink it.  The problem is that changing one part of it has knock on effects elsewhere in the story, as in if this doesn’t happen this way, characters who need to meet, won’t.  I think I have a solution but I’m still thinking it over.  I don’t want to risk it coming off as contrived in trying to connect strands together.  If this were Prison Break, I would just leave it as it is and hope no one notices.  But sadly it’s not Prison Break.

Happy St Andrews Day!

With a month left in the year it seems pretty unlikely that I will have the novel finished by then.  Not unless I write at a rate of around 2000 words a day every day for the whole of December.  Anyone keeping score will appreciate that that probably won’t happen.  I am still writing, but at a rate that is not really helping myself.  I will finish the thing next year though.  Promise.

It’s been a bit of a trying week to be honest, glad it’s over.  It’s St Andrews day of course.  You knew that.  I quite like how the Scottish Government are really trying to push the day as a big deal in Scotland, in the same way St Patricks day is in Ireland.  Getting more money coming into the country can only be a good thing, even if it does mean avoiding more and more tourists taking pictures during my lunch hour.

Oh yeah, if you’re not watching Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe (BBC4, 10.30pm Tuesday) already then make sure you give it a look this week.  Never seen it before?  Youtube is your friend.

The (now) weekly update

Still haven’t got into World of Warcraft.  I’ll probably be cancelling my subscription soon I would think.

The writing is still going slow, though for once that’s not been my fault as we have had relatives over for the weekend.  I did have a good idea though about the integration of the new character viewpoints which I’m quite excited about and as it happens has also led to me coming up with a new title for the book: ‘Beginnings, Middles and Ends’.  The name of the novel has never been something I’ve been completely settled on.  I can’t say that I entirely am with this one either, but it’s the best one I’ve had yet.

Hard to believe we’re almost in December now, but we are.  Christmas is nearly here.  We’ve actually got all but one of our christmas presents, which is a level of organisation I’d love to be able to apply to my writing but what can you do?

My kingdom for an orc

Unsurprisingly, still not a lot of progress on the writing as far as word count goes but there was some good news in that I finally finished the chapter that has been given me so much grief.  It was funny because I had planned to write a lot more for the chapter, rewriting the events of the scene I wrote in the first draft.  I reached a point though where I almost did a double take when I realised that I had written enough.  The chapter would be much more effective if I left the rest of it to the reader’s imagination.  So I did.  It was a relief to finally get it done but now I’m on to the next chapter with another new voice to write from and again I’m struggling to get it started.  Ah well, who wants an easy life anyway?

On the recommendation of a colleague at work I reinstalled World of Warcraft to try and see what the fuss is all about.  Because you know I’m sure that wouldn’t eat into my writing time.  I had tried it before and got bored pretty quickly.  I thought I would give it one more go but to be honest i’m still struggling to see what the big deal is.  The thing is, before you can do anything fun you seem to have to put a lot of hours into “levelling up”.  You do this by completing quests and killing things and selling things and It’s all a little too much like work.  I’ve paid for the month so I’m going to try to get into it but I can’t see it happening.  I’m too old for this shit.

And then I got off the bus.

Well what a result that was then eh?  The people voted and the world is a different place now.

Still, I didn’t expect the judges to boot off Laura.

That’s right, I wasn’t talking about Barack Obama!  I was talking about X-Factor.  I fooled you with my comedy skills.  A classic pull back and reveal gag there, executed to perfection.  I took you one way and confounded your expectations.  From thence the humour arose.

I was pretty nervous switching on the television on Wednesday morning.  The polls looked promising but Americans have let us down before.  But I think they made the right choice this year.  Perhaps in time I can forgive them for the past eight years but it’s still too soon.

The writing crept forward a little bit this week but still not enough.  My hope to have the second draft done by Christmas is out the window now.  Probably closer to next Christmas if I keep going at this rate.  I sent off my short story this week.  I think it’s quite good, but who knows?

Brand, Bond and Zombies

This week I have mostly been hearing about Brand and Bond.  It’s hard to say what got more on my tits.  The Ross/Brand stuff has been completely perplexing the way it has just gotten so far beyond out of control.   Talk about a story where just about everyone involved has looked bad.  I’m not much of a fan of Brand or Ross but there have been times this week where I have had to remind myself that neither actually raped or killed anyone.  The fact that people have resigned over this mess is mind-boggling.  You have to love the British media.  God help you if you don’t.

As for Bond, well apparently there is a new film of his out this week.  Yeah I know, they kept that quiet.  The advertising for the film was so exhaustive that for the last week the studio actually hired a guy to stand in my kitchen and scream ‘BOOOOOOOOOND’ at me whenever I went in it.  I have to confess that it worked though as I went to see the film today.  It’s alright.  It’s what you would expect if you’ve seen Casino Royale.  Probably not any more or any less.

I’ve been watching Charlie Brooker’s Dead Set this week.  I tend not to watch a lot of british tv shows because they have the annoying tendency to be quite rubbish.  But Brooker is fantastic so I was always going to give this a look.  So glad I did.  Most entertaining thing I’ve watched in months on the television.  The only thing that sucked about it was it being only five episodes long.  It could easily have been longer.  I just hope that the critical success this has had leads to more from Brooker.  Hopefully screenwipe will be back soon too.

Writing is still going slow.  I made some progress but not enough to be shouting about.  I’m going to send off my second short story tomorrow so we’ll see how that goes.  Should have a bit more time to write this week.  Whether I’ll use that time is another question.