pretentiouswriter.com

Opportunities

I finished my script for the Scotland Writes competition.  I’m quite pleased with it.  The First prize is £1500, second is £500 and there are up to 20 places on a 1 day seminar type thingy.  Obviously the money would be nice but I’d be delighted to get one of those places.  And plus I would just spend the money on sweets.

I’m also formulating a script for the stage at the moment.  I love writing dialogue, and think/hope I’m alright at it.  There are quite a few opportunites for Scottish based writers at the moment (check out the BBC’s Writers Room for details) I also discovered that the Traverse Theatre have an open submissions policy for scripts and run a number of writing initiatives.

Writing – it keeps me off the streets.

10 Signs That You’re A Novel Writer

1. Your writing day begins by doing something other than writing.

You know how it goes.  You’re geared up to write.  You’ve got the time – no work, family or friends to get in your way.  Just you and your computer.  Problem is that computers aren’t produced simply for struggling writers to produce their masterpieces with.  They have other uses.  For example they make excellent replacements for packs of cards and their processing power makes them ideal for mine detection simulators.  Lets not even get started on the internet.

2. Your definition of research is flexible

Alright, lets start on the internet.  Unless you’re a genius chances are that you’re going to have to do some sort of research for your novel.  And let’s be honest, as resources go the internet is a pretty good one.  Want to know who the twelth president of the United States is?  The internet can help you.  A quick google search and we discover that the answer is ‘Sylvestor Stallone’ (source: Wikipedia).  And it doesn’t stop there.  If it’s a fact about a thing then chances are you can find it on the internet.  Unfortunately, finding facts about things can be addictive.  You’ll start researching your 17th century period novel and end up charting the career history of every cast member of the Breakfast club.  Tip: If your research leads you to Facebook or Twitter you’ve gone too far.

3. You read books and think that you could have done better

This is almost a given if you’ve read a Dan Brown novel.  It’d be unlikely you couldn’t.

4. You own an extensive collection of books about writing books

Like the internet, this can be an addictive timewaster.  If you’re not careful you can end up spending all the time you should be spending writing reading about how you should be spending all your time writing.  Luckily I’ve read pretty much every book on writing ever written so, for the purposes of everyone getting on with their writing, here are the most important bits of advice:  Write.  Write what you know.  If you don’t know, find out, then write what you know.

5. You take a notepad with you

You’ve probably gotten this piece of advice from all those books you’ve been reading about writing.  One thing to remember though – it can be quite difficult to write on the bus.  Also, remember and bring a pen.  And if you’re going to record snippets of people’s conversations it’s impolite to ask them to repeat if you didn’t hear them.

6. You start a blog

You start a blog with the idea that by posting regularly you’ll be writing regularly too.  It doesn’t always work out.

7. You consider joining a writing group

Meeting other people and getting feedback is a pretty good idea.  Unless, like me, you hate other people in which case it’s probably more trouble than it’s worth.

8. You’re addicted to the Word Count facility in Word (or Word Processor of choice)

When I’m writing, literally not a second goes by without me checking the word count.  I don’t always even bother finishing the word I’m writing before I’ve counted it.  Writing a novel is a long process and so I need to know exactly how far along I am at any given moment.  On those days where you’re actually productive, it’s great to know that you’ve written loads and loads of words.  On those other days, which I like to call The Majority, it can be quite disheartening to realise that you’ve only written fifty words in three hours.  And then theres those even worse days where you actually lose words and then have to buy a new computer the next day because you’ve set fire to your old one.

9. You regularly abandon projects

It’s the same old pattern.  You have the idea to end all ideas.  “THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD!”, you triumphantly shout out to no one.  Under normal circumstances the usage of All-Caps would irk you but not on this occasion, because this is going to be AWESOME!!!  So you dive into the project.  It becomes your passion, nay, you’re obsession.  Until reality creeps in, you realise someone else has already had that idea and done it much better, or it just wasn’t that good to begin with.  And even if it was a good idea, you’ve got no time right now.  You’ll do it later.  Then you fire up minesweeper and never go back to it.  Never mind, the next idea will be even better.

10.

Let’s do this

It’s been a while.  I’m not sure why.

I’ve been busy, but that’s not it.  I got married a few months ago.

Actual photo of my wife and I

That was pretty good.  Everything went well except for a almost near disaster with the kilt which I won’t go into detail about in case I happen to talk myself into a lawsuit.  We had a great time and the honeymoon was amazing.  We went on a cruise around the mediterranean and then spent a few days in Rome.  Rome is incredible, although ridiculously expensive.  A little known fact about Rome is that it’s quite a religious place.  Lots of catholics.  Keep it a secret though, I don’t think they want it getting out.

What else?  I passed my driving test.  Pretty chuffed with that.  I still hate driving, but at least now I don’t have to go out every week with an instructor who I dislike and who I’m pretty sure doesn’t like me.  Nothing quite like the small pleasures in life.

Writing wise.  Well, I’ve pretty much given up on the first book.  I learned a lot writing it, I think.  I think I was able to write a pretty cohesive plot.  The problem was I don’t think it was that interesting and I was never completely comfortable with writing about an area I knew little about.  Prostitution.  I could have headed into Leith and done the appropriate research but for some reason my wife doesn’t want me to.  I have explained to her that it would be an academic excercise only but she refuses to budge on the matter.  I think she is pretty selfish.  My writing career clearly means nothing to her.  Oh well.  I will just have to write a novel where I won’t have to sleep with women for money.  Is there even such a thing?

I am writing fairly regularly though.  I have started a new novel and am also writing a tv script and some sketches.  They are all at fairly early stages at the moment.

I aim to start writing more in this thing.  More than one update in five months at least.  They won’t all be about writing.  But they will all be written by someone who thinks himself more interesting than he actually is.  And isn’t that what the internet is all about?

Yes.

Twitter

I am now on Twitter. It is mostly research for the book. Mostly. If you’re on twitter, tweet me if you like. I think that’s the lingo anyway. God knows. I am still getting the hang of it. It is strangely compelling. It is making me write compact sentences. Like this. And this. But not this one because it’s quite a long sentence and Twitter doesn’t let you put in sentences past 140 characters as it’s all about keeping your writing short and to the point, not long and slightly meandering like this one could potentially be accused of being.

Follow me, I will not lead you astray.

Nothing to say

I’ve been a bit sparse on updates this month, mainly because there isn’t a hell of a lot new to say.  I hope to make a real push on the novel the next two weeks but you know the story on that.

I’m in the process of studying to finally sit my theory test for my driving so that’s taking up a bit of time at the moment.  I’m 26 by the way, so yeah, people tend to look at me funny when I tell them I can’t drive.  I don’t really understand why.  I’ve always used public transport and never really had a problem with it.  But most people consider learning to drive to be up there with having sex or moving out of home – ie it’s a little weird if you haven’t done it at 26.  But anyway, I’m learning now.  It’d be cool to have my license before I get married I suppose (3 months now).

If you didn’t watch Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle on Monday (BBC2 10pm) then go and watch it right this minute on BBC Iplayer.  Nice to have some clever comedy on television again.  Now just watch for this to get axed after this series while Horne and Corden get 4,000 series and all-day Christmas specials.  Gah.

About bloody time I posted an update

Back from Ireland and back to work this week.  I can’t believe how much I realised I needed a holiday.  It was great to spend nearly whole days just reading.  I read Risk: The Science and Politics of Fear by Dan Gardner and The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon.  Both really great books.  The first is a really interesting look at why people are so perceptible to being scared and it’s quite sobering when you read about it.  One of the things that really stuck with me was the fact that if an act of terrorism on the scale of 11/9 (reclaim the date format) took place every month for a year in America, an American is still more likely to be killed in a car crash than by a terrorist.  The second book is just a really well crafted and funny story.  I’m about to start now on The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood.  I also got to see my nephew for the first time.  He didn’t speak to me though which I hope is just indicative of him being three weeks old and not that he doesn’t like me.  But you can never be sure with babies can you?

As for my own writing, it’s no further forward.  I do have a clear idea now of the ending which is good because I need something to work towards.  I also have a few more ideas about the story so it’s at least coming along in my head.  Obviously, that’s of little use if it’s not down on paper but that’s a broken record at this point.  I also have to start thinking about writing my speech for my wedding (101 days) so that will be interesting.  Luckily I have a decent idea what I’m going to say but I will need to get it down as I want it to be great.  Good is not acceptable.  Unless I’m rushed for time in which case it is.

Hippos are cool

Well I’m another year older.  Not sure whether I’m wiser.  Got some books and dvds that should keep me going for a while.  Enjoying being off work.  Definitely think I needed a couple of weeks off.  It’s been great getting up at midday and being able to spend the remainder reading or watching a dvd or whatever.

Off to Ireland this week to see my nephew which should be cool.  I hope he likes me.  I bought him a hippo to try and win him over.  I just hope he’s into hippos.  It’s hard to tell at that age (2 weeks).

The new novel is coming together a bit more in my head and I have an idea that I want to put into practice at some point (possibly tomorrow but if not will have to wait till next week).  Won’t say too much more about it (unless it works) but I’m hoping it will make me a bit more productive.  I’m sure I’ve read of at least one writer using this approach so it’s got to be worth a try.  If I don’t write about it ever again you can presume it didn’t work.

Go on, Click the links

The writing is going slower than I had hoped for the *new novel*. It’s time to face up to reality: I am in a writing rut. I think I’m one of those people who functions better when there is a real deadline in place. If I had a book contract I’m convinced I would be able to write a book no problem because, well, I’d have to wouldn’t I? If only it were as easy as going to a publisher and telling them that you will write a book as long as they tell you to do it. If only.

The problem with the *new novel* (I’m calling it that because at time of writing it’s still pretty hard to think that it isn’t just me dodging finishing the first novel) is that I don’t know enough about where it’s heading yet. I was able to write the first novel with a pretty clear idea of where everything was heading, which made it easy to connect the dots along the way. This time though I don’t really know where it’s going to end up other than having a couple of ideas in mind for things that might happen. It’s like the idea is still a while away from being ripe. But there are the beginnings of several interesting characters so maybe in time the whole thing will come together.

In other news I am off work for the next two weeks. I realised that since I started working at my job over two years ago, I haven’t ever taken two consecutive weeks off. That’s just sad. So I’ve fixed that. It’s my birthday on Wednesday and we’re going to Ireland next week to see my newly born nephew. Should be fun.

In more other news, if you’re a geek like I am then you might like the following links:

The Guild
Pure Pwnage
Awesome Video Games

150 Things To Do Before You Turn Thirty

It’s my 26th Birthday next week so what better time to post a pointless internet meme. The following is a list of 150 things that for some reason you should have done before you turn thirty. The things I have done are in bold:

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone Well, almost.. there were no candles
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theatre
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married – almost
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced (see #72)
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on a television news program as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage – do school plays count?
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship – Will do later this year
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favourite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking with the windows open
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart – Not that I know of…
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Looks like I have a lot of work to do…

The New Novel

Well the good news is that I’ve been novel writing again this week.  Quite a lot in fact.  There’s just one small caveat:  It’s a different novel.

I know, I know, but I couldn’t resist.  I just got an idea in my head at the start of the week and I couldn’t help but start playing around with it.  I mean, it’s hardly like I’m taking up time I would have spent writing the previous novel, because I probably wouldn’t have done any writing this week.  I don’t know how far I’m going to get with it, but I am a little excited about it.  Writers talk about finding their voices and I don’t know if I have yet, but I’m starting to think this idea might help me do that.  It’s a comedy, a geeky comedy, perhaps even a satire.  I haven’t got the whole thing planned out in my head yet but it’s coming together.  I’ve written the first chapter and I really like it.  I’ve made myself laugh a lot writing it.  There are a couple of lines in there that I’m quite proud of myself for coming up with actually.

Am I simply moving my focus onto something new in an attempt to justify not finishing the rewrite of the first novel.  Maybe.  Probably.  But what the hell eh?